Saturday, May 15, 2004

it's been a stressful week but that wasn't the end=(. 2 more tests next week plus lots of gp and tutorials to do.

astro on friday night ended really late because of all the preparation for astroweek, i got out at about 10.30pm (climb gate!), and shared a cab with hannah and zhiqiang. AND i had to go to school the whole of yesterday, thinking i could settle the astro stuff and then study im school or sth (considering spending my june hols in school)but we ended up doing astro stuff all the way from...9 to 8.30pm=S. but it's alright, it's to help yeeonn out, i wouldn't have done it if not for him. he's so sweet.
we went to steal food from the reception for the j1 parents (teacher-parent meeting on sat afternoon) and there was an added bonus when i walked into the canteen (and screamed aaaaaaaargh!!! (not that loud hopefully)) =)))).

so. we ended pretty late, but gotta go back to school at 7am on monday morning to settle the stuff. i pray it doesn't rain over today.
zhiqiang and i got a ride out of school to buona vista mrt from yeeonn's parents, who after coming out from teachers-parents meeting (which ended at about 5pm) wanted to wait till 6.30pm for yeeonn but eventually had to wait till 8.30=S, and who seemed like really nice folks. yeah it works that way doesn't it, if you're born into a good family with a strong bond you tend to come out more ... patient, polite, mild-tempered and "i'm alright with anything".

oh harold dropped by the com lab with his little brother (p6), gerald, who's yet another basketball addict. really cute, but i can only say that now (since i'm more than 6 years older) but i gotta say, he used to be the kinda boy i used to fight with in pschool=).

i had a good dream on friday night.
i don't wanna be nonchalant.=( basically. help.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

well wed, thurs n friday were all pretty boring days (except maybe friday).

table tennis elections. the guys' cap n vcap are just i expected/would have voted, girls as well. pretty obvious. and they actually dunked poor jianhong into the ecopond.=S yes the one with the mass-breathing fish and eutrophication.
ivy and i also "interviewed" jensen for dv. been a long time since i've had anything to do with deutsch...felt weird/good to speak to jensen auf deutsch. anyway dv is ..pretty dead. i think herr w's slightly displeased with us.
really proud of myself (or maybe not) for staying up all the way till i finished probability I tutorial. at the expense of SAT..prioritise!

i thought i could be really frank during gp remedial with sang and mr khoo (of course); i felt like telling him, come back down to earth and speak earth language, i have no idea what you're talking about. but nah the look on his face stopped me. =S. i just get so lost when he starts on "grounds" and "focus"ses and "basis for obligation"s. i'm sorry i'm not sophisticated enough for all this but don't start up there! maybe i oughtta think about the meaning of "life", "Truth" and "reality" more. well at least xuxu and i braved it and apologised for 3f's lack of enthusiasm during his lesson, and apologised for basically our boring-ness. he doesn't think we're boring. how amazing. even though we fall asleep during his lesson and don't respond to his highly intellectually stimulating questions about.. yeah what reality is. it's j1 german ALL over again. at least herr w was better/worse; he made a big fuss whenever we don't respond or give blank looks. i thought my strategies for essays were getting on track but i'm thrown off all over again.
i skipped phys s for rest n SAT mugging but the latter wasn't really accomplished. at least i refined the GP intros.

harhar the best day of all. 5 pple skipped school! all the SAT pple. except me! partly because i seem to have given up on preparing intensively this time round. ah well nvm just hope that my sense of understanding on saturday will be unusually keen. but i enjoyed pe it was netball and we thrashed the other class. i guess it's no fun when there's such a huge disparity. lecture...welllllllll. i always look forward to phys lectures, no=)? and of course the toilet break with telle and shu after chem (should have one after phys too but mr chan comes in too fast all the time=( ). shu is really cute, she said with wide-eyed amusement, "huh?! *********** guys with no hair?!" (the stars ain't hangman). but awww such an ..earnest ..decent look on his face. yes i was pretty hyped up through gp and maths. that's the good thing about it isn't it?
ran after school (but....=( ) felt really good to sweat it out. really didn't like chem pract. gotta change my attitude though. i always dread practs so much i don't know why. but it's really bad, how am i gonna learn when i resent what i'm doing. i guess i don't like it because i'm slow at it as well.

yes astro.
i don't blame the j1s for acting so slack at all. it's the j2s fault. and i can safely say that i've never really acted irresponsibly, that is i've always completed the tasks i was required to, never really resisted or pushed away anything, but at the same time i must shamefully admit that i've never championed non-slackness either, or actively discouraged others from so.
but i think the crucial first step is to follow schedules no? you gotta mean what you say, and do what you say. and socialising with j1s doesn't help at all. sigh and i was just telling myself that i'm starting to deal with this whole thing in a better and easier way, but i guess it just all came back. but at that time it was alright, i was quite proud of the way i behaved. self-restraint. ignor-ance.
but i guess it makes me very distant and aloof, very "dao" (i quote). more than once. but i just can't bring myself to .. do those things. really makes me sick. i can't wait for astro to be over. the whole astro com makes me sick, except perhaps leslie, who's always the pacifist and .. what's that term... nvm. like shulin. always puts in a good word for anyone and anything, hotly debated. why can't everyone just be more open like him, even me. even i'm not open enough to others, still selectively receptive. not quite there eh?

alright besides the above, actually i wanna say that this friday session was the best i ever had. there was only yee onn and harald from the j1 com, hannah huileng and i from j2. huileng's alright, i guess it just depends on her mood. sometimes we clash pretty badly; maybe she doesn't like the way i do things. and i don't really know when and what pple don't like about me. so meanwhile heck. but better than ever i'm learning to be aloof when i need to be. and oh yes, i'm sorry for not liking harald in the first place during the interview, i was more for the inclusion of kenneth than him, because he seemed flippant and a joker and possibly disrespectful during the interview. BUT after tonight/this night i gotta say he's becoming one of my fav juniors in astro, he's really very helpful and funny so there=) good decision! and yeeonn. harhar he unnerves me when he gives that skeptical and "what are you talking about..." look. which when we point out to him he quickly turns into a timid smile. argh so cute. =) but he's good, lacking a bit in the vocal department and perhaps outward show of passion but nevertheless, very the solid. great=) am worried more about eekiat and frank. two of them slack together (gasp) yuying is very sweet too. well done! have more faith in the new com. but well at least i made some friends over the past year in astro, at least one. (at the cost of another? ... nah not really. it'll all be over, and fine, after astro.) will talk to various ppl. gute Idee oder?

yes after astro! the exciting bit=) got a lift from huileng's dad to the sunset bus stop. one hwachong guy....2.......a bunch...and "sunny!!!!" xizhen appears out of nowhere, at 10pm at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere=S. it's gotta be fate. the last time we met like this was at buona vista 10pm on friday as well. it's amazing. she was with her guy classmates (ALMOST all harhar=) visiting their bio teacher. so she introd one by one and i could recognise most of the names=) so we took the bus home together. what a coincidence. on the other hand, why do i have to run into you everywhere! nein keine bange, es macht mir trotzdem viel spass=) also bis den 22.mai. werde etwas vorbereiten.

went to bed quickly after getting home. parents weren't pleased, i had told them i was gonna leave school at 8.30, but turned out leaving at 9.30...

kept waking up towards dawn, 5.47am, 6.15am, 6.26am....tried to tell myself "i'm not tired i'm not tired". any other school day i would've just zonked out for the whole day but no this morning was crucial. was on the mrt and mr tai again. thought he missed his stop at buona vista, but he was going to commonwealth for a course. he's always reading the paper in the morning. he's really very nice=) (i can't think of any other word)
but i wish i didn't know him. not like this
and he asked about pingpong. was really touched, don't even know how he knows. just like when mr ortega asked aobut table tennis competition. too bad i couldn't make myself more comfortable in table tennis. but nah somethings can't e forced. i was so surprised i even said "you remember?" to mr. ortega. i guess i'm the only one with a bad memory harhar=) (someone would be more than willing to agree and thus insult me no?=)

so SAT. the place was quite easy to find, thankfully the AS bunch told me that the singapore conference hall's called "xin jia po hua yue sth sth" on the outside. was rather hesitant till i saw a rj prc girl come out. whew. the room was nice and freezing, i had lost the feeling in my left middle finger by the time i came out. and the examiner was pretty slack, giving us 35 mins for one of the sections and always overshooting. didn't feel as stressed out this time round, maybe coz i'm more experienced. thought only the last verbal section was a bit hard, such that i was uncertain about several qtns. but in the end my answers, after ruminating, were quite distinguishedly chosen. i mean the last time i went i had so much trouble deciding between 2 seemingly choices for several compre qtns, and my luck proves to be bad all the time so i always get the wrong one. oh well good luck for this time round! oh the reading passages were very interesting, thankfully the one about art and philosophy/perception and experience was the dummy one. i was so huh-ed by it. but unluckily for xuxu she did exceptionally well for that. and there was a passage aobut "Good English". "i ain't gonna say ain't no more, 'cause ain't ain't in the dictionary". so cute. and the last passage was about some washington guy who goes on n on n on n on when he starts talking, which i thought was really endearing (the passage and the style of the writer) but unfortunately the qtns were pretty deep and thus killer.

went to toa payoh with xuxu (who's really happy about the "frigid" qtn which she got right through sheer guessing=) after that (was really good to see her, didn't feel so alone) for a crystal jade lunch! a treat for ourselves=) she's thinking so much abt next year, how we won't see each other often, or perhaps "ever again". havne't really thought about that yet, but yeah it'll hit me. awwww.
it occured to me during the test, while i was looking at all the figures in front of me, that everyone's working so hard for a better chance to get to the land of opportunity, america. funny.

bought charcoal firestarters lighter for ORA stall tmr at night hence missing my "survivor" movie which looked clichedly interesting/interestingly cliched (i'm a sucker for cliches). was getting really pissed off at ntuc, more at myself rather, i'm so lousy at finding things. i guess my mind's just not there when i look for things. dragged the charcoal around, have to drag it to school tomorrow, which i have to wake up at 5.45am for. its ok! its ORA! and we have a stall. what fun can beat that=)

tired. beat.

good luck for your exams!

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

woohoo. feel so good, even better than when i ran myself. well done! now all i have to find is my contact list and sms...
so much less sick than when i started the day off. walked into school at almost noon, but it didn't really make any diff, most pple didn't really notice anyway=P have alot of work to do...could always go for tutorials tmr and huh my way through. no! i will push myself as i pushed the others today. guess i'm just more motivated by things with immediate results.
matchmaking. *snigger*

yes 'twas a good day. push! you can do it! (somebody teach me how to motivate in a positive and encouraging way)

Sunday, May 02, 2004

i have a close to splitting headache. and maths is killing me. i was stuck at the 1st qtn, felt so helpless. well at least one good thing coming out of this is that i'll eventually learn how to let go.

astro had elections, yuying's qm=) and frank too. yay! well at least i have nice juniors. and yee onn's chair. woohoo=) he's the guy that you can't help but call "dear". so cute..but so soft-spoken.
i should learn to make pple feel bad. and scold pple.

early friday morning i was like "happy birthday eric!" but only got a lukewarm "yeah yeah thanks"...somehow i get this feeling he's really sick of class now. its really taking a toll on me, being around pple who aren't as happy and high as i am, sort like how water always flows from a point of higher potential to lower, and how heat is transferred from things of a higher temp to a lower-_- and i feel really bad about it too. i mean not bad in a "sorry" way. just. argh. i think it's just that my mood's going downhill again, nothing more. i think i'm better at nagging than at motivating. how i hate that.
all the feelings of helplessness are coming back as well. and it seems like that i don't matter, to anyone or anything.
oh but when we presented him the "fake" present it was quite funny, and that cheered him up a bit. and he looked like he appreciated the real present. the price doesn't matter! as long as it makes you happy, right?

ok psyche up stop making yourself feel even worse. tomorrow's monday!=) brings..stress..and week 7 i believe (so soon=(...i'm gonna miss rj alot).
well at least running after school on friday with bean cheered me up=)) (immensely) or rather...certain sightings. oh dear it's really true, there are constantly fewer and fewer things to look forward to.

and i got the obs letter on friday night, the one i wrote to myself during solo. horrid memories of squishy mud under my poncho and flying insects "zzz"ing past. =S. pretty inspiring letter sonnig, but..nah. not quite there.

oh look oliver kahn got yet another yellow card (during the köln game) harharhar=) for um. complaining about someone for too long. and someone threw a bottle at him! (how could you!)

stayed home yesterday (saturday) feels like the first ever saturday i spent at home.
3 weeks.

when will i ever pluck up the courage.