Monday, March 29, 2004

what a monday! absolutely nothing interesting happened. oder=)?

was late in the morning! it was really lang2 bei4 even though we took a cab. but the jam was so bad it was irritating, got to the netball court pretty much JUST on time, running all the way from the back gate.

i think training was great today (what a change from sat). surprisingly (though i figured out why later) i played with sihuan today. it's always great to play with her, she's really wonderful. she can bring out the best in a person. it's always a good experience to play with her.
stayed till 8pm. the stress setting in for everyone. could feel it in the air. so exciting. have confidence in yourselves!

i lost the fixtures=S

pe tomorrow!!!! gosh have been looking forward to it for 3 weeks. ms tan's gonna make us jump across the track but i can't care less.

oh i ran 6 rounds today at a pretty satisfactory timing=) that, amongst other things, made my day.

tmr's double lecture day, sth else to look forward to no=)?

gee i love school (i'd better say this before tutorials start again) and i had 2 good tutorials slacking away next to xuxu eric and shulin. that was great. so relaxed, just chatting away, but maybe the pple around us didn't enjoy it as much=) ah well. (should stop being so high before pple/person start(s) asking me again, "bist du verliebt oder?!?!!?" (have you fallen in love?!?!?))

oh inspiration for a physics s qtn:
benedict tosses a table tennis ball up into the air during a serve with initial speed v. As the ball reaches a height of a cm above the table tennis table, he hits it with a force F over a time t, assuming that the ball undergoes elastic collision with the bat, but undergoes inelastic collision with the surface of the table, with a err.... rebounding quotient (you know, that thing) of m where 0< m <1, and given that the height of the net is b cm above the surface of the table, deduce if
i) the ball will make it over the net
ii)the velocity of the ball as it reaches the end of the table.

oh. and assuming he imparts an underspin to the falling ball at an angle of 45 degrees to the table... (i'm sure this is undoable)

now given that he has a 10% chance of striking the ball on its way down (which is realistic!!=) i will get slaughtered, or yelled at..) likely is he gonna win his match=)? 100% of course!

Sunday, March 28, 2004


whoa exhausted.

what an eventful day yesterday, as busy as i imagined it to be. (although i'm left all helplessly "nua3" (however you spell that), exhausted but warm inside. you know like, a warm cuppucino and a great book in bed while it snows/drizzles away outside feeling?)

it didn't start off really well, training was horrible...i was so hun2 bu4 shou3 she4. summation of time spent ball picking was definitely longer than playing. gosh it WAS TER-RIBLE.
my mind wasn't there..sometimes during training i WISH my mind wasn't there but there's nowhere it can go...but yesterday was...good in a way that i didn't have to make an effort to do that. except i didn't really know where it was..
even the pleasant and surprising finding of.....didn't hype me up. weird, but good that i was unfeeling.

after that went off to meet jennie, had left hon behind because jen told me that both mag and her weren't coming, but hon called as i reached buona vista mrt, that got me cheered up. i was pretty down because, well i guess things don't turn out the way we want by themselves. basically things go wrong unless you engineer it (oh maybe THIS is why i'm down...unless things are wont' go the way you want. that's really shit.). but no! she came! for once an mrt trip from buona vista all the way to payar lebar didn't feel that long and tiring. and our bags piled up on the floor. was alot more alive then than in the morning (of course). on the way to big splash we met eesang and caifeng harharhar they were holding hands. (as i was telling bena later, during dinner) i was trying so so so hard not to laugh and stare at their hands held together but i couldn't tear my gaze away! and the worst part was that they knew it. harharharhar. shhh.

yeah paddle culture! we changed and went out to sea. i'm still so panicky when it comes to launch off harhar some things don't change. but yeah it felt good to be in the water again. am glad that even 3 days of half-dying during kayaking didn't turn me off. still like that cruising feeling. glad we took that heavier paddle i think it made alot of difference. but unfortunately both hon and i had an awful time attempting to paddle in a straight line. so we gave up our expedition to macdonald's... and hung around shore. we got pushed back by the waves every now and then, so the paddling was so that we won't get washed up against the jetty or the beach. but paddling out perpendicular against the waves made it alot easier to paddle straight. and it felt really good, riding them. like being jolted up and then dropping down and whoosh seeing all the seawater flood the cockpit. and hon relived the obs experience by bailing water. i didnt' know some obs pple had THAT bad an experience during kayaking, so glad ours was alot easier.

saw junbin too, still looking so cool=) he remembers me after some reminder from jen.

so we hung around and talked, mainly honlyn n i...jennie didnt' say that much i guess most of the time we were either talking about rj or obs.=S.

so after that we put the boats back...oww was dying carrying the kayaks back. but we went around to the slide and we went down together=) so fun=) it was quite painful to keep flying over the bumps but whoa the rush!

so we went to the glass house after that, was excited to see a bunch of 412ers outside. but of course most of them i get to see very often, but it felt different. i see 19 of them in school all the time but it's just not the same, it was such a "412" atmosphere. at the end of dinner at fish n co there were about 16 of us, and ms hoo came along too. we went outside and took a group photo, so many pple were there by then, let's see: shu grace xiz looloo bena mag ng kai jen ad celina hauwan yunlei ili hon em serene ms hoo mrs kwan. yeah! cai came earlier but had to leave before we started eating. =(. hope she had fun at her class bbq. it was the right thing to do anyway, though she missed out quite alot later on, coz the (re)bonding came later on.

we went over to ps after that for dessert, serene they bought 3 tubs of ice cream and we sat under the escalator. that was the nicest. crystal and peiyan had arrived by then, so even more company. yeah it was really good, worth the going home late.

Friday, March 26, 2004

went out with xuxu shulin hannah zhiqiang for lunch at taka today, it was quite nice, always enjoy the company of them. sorry i couldn't be more excited about your book xuxu=) i can only give the "that's nice.." look =).
it was a great day!! harhar could've been better of course. *morning assembly*is a more or less wonderful time. am i being sensitive again oder? well i really hope it's just me. but yeah after our last paper whoa release man. the day got better as i was talking to hon (and getting higher), she said she had wanted to go kayaking this afternoon but she heard that jen and i are going tomorrow so she's decided to go with us. hearing that just made my day for some reason. maybe for the reason that such wonderful harmonic things should be extra-celebrated when it happens without planing yeah=)? just shows that some good things still happen, and should be treasured, especially amidst a time when things go wrong and wronger all the time... chaos is right. the world just doesn't prefer order does it?

so was supposed to see mr loh about astro overnight proposal. was thinking the proposal is loopholess enough to fend him off. oh i realise he didn't ask about the dinner thing he asked hannah...
but yeah after that zhiqiang hannah and i took a bus (it's been so long since i've gone to the red house) to town to join shu and xuxu. (refer to above)
oh what i wanted to say was, the day got better because the pple from 3f going out had abandoned me before that, i was in the concourse and they were walking out of school, they saw me and pointed and ran off (still). BUT later evelyn actually called me to ask if i were joining them! i was really very touched=~. i was flattered that remembered=)
they went cycling at east coast i think, later on. everyone's going east coast to cycle! that's what donald wants to do after training tomorrow too.

went back to rgs after that, with serene who joined us later and we actually ran into ms neo (2nd time within 7 days!). have almost forgotten how wonderful she is. =) we've made a pact with her, when she has a baby next year (that's the pact) we'll come and relief her during her leave harharhar=) i (almost) swore ahem...not to relief teach after As but for her sake i agreed! mrs cheriyan's in the states (with mr hodge), that's someone i really wanted to see. she probably can't remember me but nomatter, i really yearned to see her. miss her, i quote val i think, "it's so funny but i'm not gonna laugh" demeanor. oh and ms ting wasn't around either. it'd be painful to talk to her, 'cause she's so sharp and acrid with words=) harharhar but enjoyable nonetheless. linlaoshi was around, it was hilarious how serene went "oh! lin lao shi ar, vo shi nin yi qiaan de xuuee sheeeng" in an awkward tone. and ms hoo upstairs outside the clc. and i've almost forgotten how funny ms hoo is. she's gonna bring russell tomorrow. and i didn't know mr chia got transferred to hq till today-_- so slow. to think he was the form teacher of 3g (i'm in 3f, a gentle reminder (to myself)).-_-. he's a lucky man! harhar to be the husband of ms neo i mean=)
these were the only teachers we met, oh and mrs anis and ms mariette ong (wow she's so damn nice even though she gave me this huge fright at the door and she offered us chocolate which stuck to one another, which she called "fat sharing" harharharhar. . rgs=(.).

and we went back to our old classrooms...looking for traces we left behind 2 years ago... only the switches are still blue! and we found hwying's chair=) and a "412'02 rocks!!" (courtesy of xiz) ohp.
just when i tell pple i can't really think of any memories of my 4 years in rgs...but when i'm back in that room they just come (reassuringly) all flooding back. unfortunately the only bad feeling was that of desperately yearning for traces of ourselves from 2 years ago. i know serene was quite distressed that they painted over our names at the back of the room .. just like that.

spent some time exploring block j and other parts. sheesh mountain tortoises we were=) "wah track!" "wah basketball court!!" "wah THREE netball courts!!!" but it was great.
and got to relive the 190( = carsick) experience. without practice recently i've gotten even more sensitive to buses=S.

oh n the "kahn" teacher! gosh. hilarious.

my dad was complaining about me watching nezha so i changed to "titus" which was pretty hilarious. i realised humour is....what do you call know that word on the back of your POSB card, "non-transferrable" is it? yeah you can't explain humour. now there's one thing that absolutely NEEDS to be "taught by examples" only.

and just now i was a little exasperated trying to convince jennie of the mrt route to big splash and i'm sorry about that. all that matters is that we go there and have a really great time together tomorrow.

arrgh!! twice!!! why do you come online so early ANYWAY just when i watch tv. how do you sustain such a lifestyle? don't you come back after breakfast-_-....-_-. ......

am getting (dis)stressed...i don't know why. must be compensation for highness. damn. argh and that. is getting to me.

i just want to be a really good buddy. like how i treat most of my friends.
is it too hard? don't understand why i let it bother me i haven't been bothered by such things for so long. wish i didn't care. and it's extra hard because i've always gotten what i wanted. (as spoilt as it sounds but no i don't mean it materialistically) but experience tells me "it can't be forced". mmhmm. so. yeah! i look desperately forward to liberation. (jiu ming)
so what's gonna happen? i don't know, yi qie...sui yuan ba.
but of course i must reiterate how glad i am for the cases that have worked (whew..lucky indeed for that one)

i just wanna be a really good buddy.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

damn it.
the ambivalence.
it's maths paper tmr, and i wanna do really well for it, not for anyone else. but it's stopping me too. the memories and shadows when i pick up my integration chapter and assignments.
damn you. i feel like doing alot more than just damning you.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

did i mention i stayed in school with grace and telle till 8pm on saturday? had a good chat with grace over lunch. it was good, managed to internalise kidney. and it poured in the evening while the sun was setting. the rain had a pinkish-purplish tinge to it, the sky was like that too. and from the canteen you can see the whole field (turned swimming pool), the trees in the background, in front of the railway track. the bungalows rising above the trees behind that. it's through such incidents that you learn to love a place. yeah?
but i was shaken. sometimes it's so hard to find the right words. and once again i learn, when it happens to you, or around you, it's really not the same as (ganz verschieden) watching tv.

i was in school again for training today, so i stayed after that. cai was supposed to join me but she didnt' come in the end. there was val though, who was so .. feeling unwell. ah well but enjoyed her company. it's still good to have your own friends. and there were sihuan and li xin, the pair of them were hilarious. (li xin is wah. unbelievably cute). but =S really polite to them. still feel like they're "strangers". yeah you know the feeling. met hon in school after training. really good to have met her. got caught in the rain a bit after coming back from ghim moh getting food (for-_-..)
! harharhar. =). wait. happiness later.

people aren't measured by their grades. so stop it right now. people aren't just described with simply either "stupid" or "smart". so to hell with all of you. somebody, keep me away from these people.

"And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
never felt that these words made sense, just thought they were pretty dark. but somehow it seems to make more sense.

some people, you can't be too nice to, coz they'll just think you're nichts.

i could be a better person than you could ever be and you wouldn't even know it.


some things you can't force. i'm glad i learned my lesson a long time ago. i'm glad i made (a big share) of mistakes in order to become (partly) what i am today. so, take a hike. nah. hiking's too good. fly a kite.

i don't even know why it gets to me, it's of no value at all to me.

when i grow up (i'm almost there) i will show every human being the respect that's due to them as a human being.
but some humans just don't deserve that respect.
and when i grow up i will learn not to give a ** about anything that's not worth it. ("don't give a damn!!" in ad's words. very good advice.)
something to do in the COURSE of growing up: i promise not to use the word "mug" again.

i can feel everything crashing down again. time to enter everything-and-everyone-around-you-is-hideous mode.

manipulation really works doesn't it. amazing. didn't know it worked so well. at least it didn't come nicely wrapped up and then exploding in my face.

okok for the goodness now=). school has taken on a very different meaning! ....... damn. well. otherwise it'd be so dry and unexciting oder? i believe there are good simple people/persons out there.
when you least expect it=)?
say hi to sun nonchalance yi. i'm so good at it i walked into a tree (and the rainwater fell on me).
you've gotta be as good as you're supposed to be! when everything's so grey around here.
don't let me become the rest of them.

"kein Anfang kein Ende" sounds so good in the song. =) Laith Al-Deen recommended! nice smooth voice.
(....try harder.)

will be in school again tmr afternoon. sigh. but nvm i'll stay there after that. looking forward to seeing val. a fellow gloomy person. (let's see if my luck runs out..."when i least expect it" probably won't work this time)

Sunday, March 14, 2004

it's no good to be left alone. your mind sorta wanders and it's so easy to slip..into nothing good.

what do i do? nothing?
wish i hadn't done that. stupid stupid.. it probably be .. different if i hadn't.

week's worth of holidays isn't much except when it comes to duration of battling off inactivity and hence weightgain. (what's the diff between hence and therefore anyway? someone said they're "cousin" words but i refused to believe)

well nothing much has happened anyway even if they have they're not really fit to be mentioned in a blog. that's why it's always so...esoteric. argh.

oh no...depression...go away!!!
wish i could be high and silly .. most of the time. well at least nowadays there's always something good to think about. =). damn.
ach! the aura! the regality! doesn't anyone else feel it? through certain incidents i've figured that .. "it's just me".

finally lagging in physics tutorials, the last 2 chapters. and mr wong's getting better, "weirdly". harhar but he's always so cool, so able to handle all that we throw at him. maths is alright, managed to rush ahead of the lesson on the last day (i never did that before. now why didn't i do that. it's no use to regret) and we're quite convinced that mrs lim is pregnant. reminded us of the good old days in rgs, sitting in class, finding class boring, and therefore focusing on our female teachers' physical conditions, looking out especially for any abdominal irregularities. mrs kwan! whom we had been suspecting for 9 months, that she was pregnant-_-. bio...sigh heck bio is....luan qi ba zao and lagging by 3 chapters.. chem! i'm at nitrogenous compounds, the last chapter, but somehow i just can't internalise the amides part! c'mon you're almost there, at the end of the (organic) tunnel.

the song that a senior sent me is really good, "Brief". i've always wondered how pple break up auf deutsch. there's my answer. pretty sniffly.=) "mit diesem Brief nimmt sie Abschied von mir"...."wei? nicht wie es weitergeht...kenne keinen Weg heraus".. (with this letter takes she leave from me. dont' know how it continues. know not a way out. ... how terribly unromantically translated.)
and i STILL highly recommend "iris" by the googoo dolls despite comments such as "so boring".

and once again i learn the lesson that if there's no chemistry. too bad, there's nothing you can do about it. and i dont' know, does the "have chemistry" thing come in a few categories? such as pseudo-chemistry which eventually fades, the nurtured-chemistry which comes later? of course i mean chemistry in all sorts of relationships, esp. friendships. are friendships only maintained by a constant flow of topics to talk about? sounds like it won't be able to last. so worrying.

oh i've been pretty happy in school. you know i used to hate the beginning of last year. suddenly your social circle expands, and the population of acquaintances density in the school was getting ever higher, and when you walk down the corridors next to lt 2 and 3 you encounter so many pple you know, (but that's it, only "know of") and you're obliged to wave and smile at them, that you get scared of walking down that corridor. =S. but it's much better this year...although at times i still dont' feel too enthusiastic about saying hi to most of the pple i meet. so ..tiring. but nevertheless i feel better this year, maybe it IS because i don't compel myself to say hi anymore. woohoo. way to go.

miss obs, was in bed and imagined myself in my basha on the 4th day, the solo day. imagined squeezing the mud under my groundsheet. =) was walking around with jovina on friday, walked to ghim moh with her (met who!!so oft some more. mind freezing.). harhar she's so...cute. she said she doesn't mind signing up for 21 days obs. but for that there's 3 (or 4) solo days. no way! i'm really scared of that. i managed to survive our one solo day by: not cooking and not going to the toilet-_- 3 days! wo pa!=P

can't believe my gp essay! "the preservation of integrity is the greatest good". i'm impressed by myself! either it was really pretty good, or something went wrong at mr khoo's side (who's in ireland with the band pple. IRELAND leh. !@#$!@%!$##!@$)

met jiayao at 10pm at buona vista mrt on friday night. he's going to cambridge, so fun. he was ploughing through his organic chem not long ago too.
met khoon kiat in school on saturday. took me a full second to realise that it was him, the someone had stood opposite, in green and a funny haircut (with hair starting to grow back out). he's pretty funny, just goes on about ns, which sounds really exciting. he's going to study computer engineering in cornell/carnegie mellon/nus. oh no i never knew he had some health problems which sound quite bad...
got a letter, a reply to my xmas card, from leeting, through shulin during ssef. i heard she got gold for ssef!=) i think its' the physics project she did, and she doesn't even take physics! she sounds really energetic, except a bit stressed. but she sounds like she's loving german, and i'd put her up as an example of "someone who did what her heart told her to do" anytime. she hasn't decided whether she's gonna study in germany.

komm zurück!!

Thursday, March 11, 2004

yeah i'm back. (thanks everyone)

you know those times when you feel really bad, and that the whole world is against you? and everyone in the world is conspiring against you to make you pissed off? and you know the times when everyone around you is just so adorable and lovely? harhar it feels like that. but it makes you a little worried...why's everyone so good? inevitably things'll go downhill some time. val's right, its like a sine curve. it's go around school and encounter so many wonderful people along the corridors to smile at. or maybe it's just me.......=).

and you know, its pretty true that good things happen when you least expect it. well at least things jump out at you or "crash" into you when you least expect it. but i still need to learn to treasure those around me.

adeline visited us on tuesday. i shan't say why. the whole world knows ANYWAY.=) (half of the world got to know through serene and of course the other half from me.=P)
and tuesday was good for another reason, i had a really good talk. but sorta blabbery...incoherent etc. but yeah feeling good. except the last part. so horribly clumsy of me. aaaaargh! don't you get irritated when people tell you things and forgot that they told you about it and take it from the top all over again? i do. and i've had my share of that certainly. goes to show the person doesn't take you seriously. (oi stop whining lar you (talking to myself). and stop being so sensitive) which is....perhaps good. i don't don't care.

and today was so good too. went up to the canteen just at the right time.. harhar cai should stop being so. embarrassing to me.

wow i'm impressed by myself. cai says my eq's high/improving. got a sudden notice about cancellation of tomorrow's overnight session this morning. we managed to get most com members at 5.10 (even though i ended at 2.30!!!! sniff. the only day i could make it home before 6..) for an emergency meeting, and called the teacher ic, AND managed to well, at least persuade him into a milder alternative, WITHOUT, note, WITHOUT getting too worked up. woo. or maybe i'm just really not too concerned. but i WAS pretty excited. ah well life. what more do you expect from it.


Sunday, March 07, 2004

hey everyone..
hmm i don't know what to say.
certainly, alot more has happened.
since the last entry i've..met up with my watch, had dinner with them at suntec, that was pretty good evne though i got home real late, gone back to visit herr w + interview little j1s, had lunch with junior class, sat for my SAT, got back my SAT scores, running lots after training, skipped a few trainings, gotten braces and a plate causing my speech to go haywire, lagging for numerous tutorials, organising an astro overnight coming up this friday, catching up with sixuan every now and then, finding she has been acting a little weird lately, lagging for s papers (esp physics, the one that matters to me), talked to certain other pple LESS often than required, met my seniors like fabian and denny, found new friends, lost some others, changed focus of attention (=), talked to sagar on yahoomsger (=), had a nice DDR with telle shu and xuxu, gotten back my german results...been confused..disappointed...heartbroken.....

just when i really need...

i don't think things will be the same has taken a chunk off me.the 1st week has been really painful, whenever i think about it, about him, there's this suan1 suan1 de feeling, a men1 men1 de feeling in my right chest. i typed "help...." but it didn't get anywhere. i wish i could talk, i know i haven't gotten over it, but i guess as time passes it just fades but i know i'm not over it. i always thought, it's no big deal but i guess it's different when it's real. somehow it still feels unreal...sometimes i dont' feel anything, yet other times everything just comes and floods me and i can't help myself, like on the 1st wed. and it isn't easy telling pple, they dont' know what to do. it just gets very could you do this.

i don't know how some people could take it, or at least hold out.

i haven't cried since sec 2, i thought i'd never have to again. but i guess the past 2 weeks has just made up for all those years.
don't say anything, i don't know what to say when you don't know what to say.

thank you. i'm proud. ich werde Sie nicht vergessen.